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God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions. 1. How did you find out about your Deity? ___ Newspaper ___ Bible ___ Torah ___ Book of Mormon ___ Koran ___ Divine inspiration ___ Dead Sea Scrolls ___ My mama done tol' me ___ Near-death experience ___ Near-life experience ___ National Public Radio ___ Tabloid ___ Burning shrubbery ___ Other (specify): _____________ 2. Which model Deity did you acquire? ___ Yahweh ___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak] ___ Jehovah ___ Jesus ___ Krishna ___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak] ___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak] ___ Allah ___ Satan ___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature ___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes ___ No If not, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply: ___ Not eternal ___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe ___ Not omniscient ___ Not omnipotent ___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations) ___ Permits sex outside of marriage ___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage ___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms) ___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people ___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched ___ Requires burnt offerings ___ Requires virgin sacrifices ___ Plays dice with the universe 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity? Please check all that apply. ___ Indoctrinated by parents ___ Needed a reason to live ___ Indoctrinated by society ___ Needed focus on whom to despise ___ Imaginary friend grew up ___ Graduated from the tooth fairy ___ Hate to think for myself ___ Wanted to meet girls/boys ___ Fear of death ___ Wanted to piss off parents ___ Needed a day away from work ___ Desperate need for certainty ___ Like organ music ___ Need to feel morally superior ___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool ___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it 5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, by which false god were you fooled? Please check all that apply. ___ Mick Jagger ___ Rajanish ___ Baal ___ The almighty dollar ___ Bill Gates ___ Left-wing liberalism ___ The radical right ___ Ra ___ Beelzebub ___ Barney T.B.P.D. ___ The Great Spirit ___ The Great Pumpkin ___ The sun ___ Elvis ___ Cindy Crawford ___ The moon ___ TV news ___ Burning shrubbery ___ Other: ________________ 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. ___ Tarot ___ Lottery ___ Astrology ___ Television ___ Fortune cookies ___ Ann Landers ___ Psychic Friends Network ___ Dianetics ___ Palmistry ___ Playboy and/or Playgirl ___ Self-help books ___ Sex, drugs, rock and roll ___ Biorhythms ___ Alcohol ___ Bill Clinton ___ Tea leaves ___ EST ___ CompuServe ___ Mantras ___ Jimmy Swaggert ___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle) ___ Human sacrifice ___ Pyramids ___ Wandering in a desert ___ Burning shrubbery ___ Barney T.B.P.D. ___ Barney Fife ___ Other:___________ 7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? (circle one) a. More divine intervention b. Less divine intervention c. Current level of divine intervention is just right d. Don't know ... What's divine intervention? 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 his handling of the following (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent): Disasters: 1 2 3 4 5 flood 1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 war 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5 spam 1 2 3 4 5 AOL 1 2 3 4 5 American Politics 1 2 3 4 5 Corporate Ownership 1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis Miracles: 1 2 3 4 5 rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever 9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.) If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by December 31, you will be entered in the "One Free Miracle of Your Choice" drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10^23, depending on number of beings entered).
Monday, July 19th, 1999 danlyke@flutterby.com