On a mailing list I participate in the question of rape fantasies came up. In particular the issue was male rape fantasies, but after the flamewar died down a bit one participant asked "is there anything so horrible you won't condemn it?"
This is my response
I haven't been following the rape flame war because it so quickly deteriorated, but...
When a woman close to me was raped, with great hesitation she told me about it. She asked "what do you think of me?", as though the rape happening to her should somehow change my opinion of her.
So I went and talked to some of my female friends about the situation. And I came up with an amazing number of rape fantasies. As the sensitive new-age guy I was at the time, I was horrified.
But then I realized why she'd asked me "what do you think of me?"
And I realized that my being horrified at the prevalence of those fantasies was a part of the problem. Or all of the problem.
Those rape fantasies had nothing to do with reality. They weren't about a date getting out of hand and refusing to hear "no". They weren't about some slimy guy following them into the women's bathroom with a knife. They were about some tall dark and handsome hunk breaking the bounds of propriety that kept them restrained and taking them to new heights of yadda yadda yadda.
And, not to play armchair psychologist or anything, but when the reality played out, those fantasies were so taboo that they created all sorts of guilt. Guilt where there should have been outrage.
This is why I refuse to condemn fantasy. Because blurring that line is very dangerous to victims, because condemning fantasy causes people to lie to themselves. Rather than acknowledging that "yes, this concept excites me" it gets suppressed and confused and who knows what heppens then.
It happens that rape is one of my turn-offs. Most power plays and D&S sorts of things leave me limp as well. But there are other things that society finds distasteful that contemplating gives me an erection. I'll never act those out except with consenting adults, but I'll not feel guilty about who I am.
If I hide from myself, if I can't know myself, I'm not going to have meaningful relationships with others.
Sunday, March 14th, 1999 danlyke@flutterby.com