Flutterby™! : Friday Jokes 2000-12-22 19:50:21+00

Friday Jokes

2000-12-22 19:50:21+00 by TC 2 comments

Ok so we all get spam jokes in email and most of us (myself included) find it really anoying because they are forced upon you in your email. I was expecting flames from the last time I posted email humour but instead got possitive encouragment. Sometimes the jokes are REALLY funny. So here is a social experiment. Post your favorite piece of humour in replies to this Entry and share. Aww c'mon we all like to laugh right?

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY 1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 3) Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com 4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. 6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN." 7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. 8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.' 10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think." 11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy." 12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights Up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way. 13) Don't use any punctuation 14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 15) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer. 16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 17) Sing along at the opera. 18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.) 20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3." 21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day. 22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 23) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything. 24) Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard. 25) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!" 26) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!" 27) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do." 28) Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." 29) Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"

A message from Santa: I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209, and I now serve only areas North of the Manson-Nixon Line. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as: 1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "This sleigh insured by Smith and Wesson." 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds - or a Moon Pie - on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little though, so please have an empty spit can handy. 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time,and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace. 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty." 5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her' dat!" 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy. 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as"Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit CXII" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. 8. Bubba Claus don't wear no belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. 9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You can Shove It."